The Lord of the Rings Analogy

I have felt exactly like that.  

A good person destroyed by the ring.  The ring was Satan using the little piece in all of us that is bad or weak.  It grabs ahold of it and makes it louder and stronger.  All the good ones were affected by it, the elfin queen, Aragon, even Sam and Frodo. 

Some people do well to avoid the ring completely, knowing what it will do to them.  I admire the self-awareness they possess.  The ring for me became acceptance, notoriety, attention, affirmation, achievement.  If I had these things, I would be worthy and meet expectations.  For me, I chased the ring and was drawn to it much like everyone was in the movie.  And then, it crossed the line of me chasing it to it having me in its hold without even knowing.   

I admire the support and help of the fellowship of the ring to help Frodo destroy the ring.  Even though it threatened to overtake even him at times…they remained steadfast in their belief of him and continued to fight.  I have felt like I have had a Fellowship of the Erica very much like this during this last year…loved and even carried at times when I felt I couldn’t take it anymore.  

The scenes at the end, where Frodo’s exhausted, weak and can’t go any further, he was carried by someone who loved him in spite of his folly and being pushed away.  Could that be Jesus for me?  And the restoration team?  Jesus with hands and feet?  I am certain it was. 

I am sad that my soul looked like Gollum for a while. I’m sad that at times it may even still resemble him.  I try and my perfectionist identity does me no good.  But, I am happy that I have identified it and am working on returning to myself again.  Or rather, discovering a new self that is more real, more transparent, more like God intended me to be…without the ring. 

Why I write now

I haven’t written in a while.  This seems to be a theme I see over the last few years.  I feel called to write.  I have great ideas like my book reviews that I last mentioned. I come up with ideas to write.  Then, they stay stuck in my brain, in Simple Note on my iPhone, on scraps of paper in my journal that I also promptly ignore.  

I have been processing a great deal this last year and a half: my entire identity from a spiritual and soul level.  Not an easy or pleasant task.  Even though writing is probably what I needed most during this time of my life, I battled my perfectionism.  And, it won.  If I can’t write it perfectly, if it won’t be understood perfectly, if it isn’t perfect…I won’t even start.  

Then, I started questioning my intentions of writing.  Was it for me?  Was it so that people would read it and understand then affirm me?  Was that why every time I wrote something, I immediately posted it on Facebook and Twitter and then obsessively watch the traffic to my blog?  This wasn’t cool.  I wanted it to be about God and what he’s doing with my life, not about feeding my false self.  So I remained doing nothing.  Stuck.  Frozen in agonizing need and rebellion to that need. 

Until I had a coffee meeting with a dear friend of mine to whom I explained the feelings I was having about my spiritual disciplines or lack thereof, writing being among them.  I explained to her that it felt like I had gone from one extreme to another.  I had been at the side of the spectrum where I did everything, even to the point of dangerous capacity, to be fed.  That ended in a train wreck.  Now, I’m afraid to do anything at all and thus…do nothing.  This also doesn’t feel right. 

She says… have you thought that maybe God has you right where he wants you?  Since you are such a “doer” maybe not “doing” is the point?  And, to get unstuck, maybe you should stop overanalyzing the reasons why you want to do it and simply pray to God that you want this to be for Him.  And, that if it isn’t, could he help you with that and use it for Him as you start re-engaging with spiritual disciplines?

Or it was something really close to that.  That’s what I heard. (She’s really smart.) It was an “Ah-ha” moment for me.  It made sense.  

So, I decided that I would start writing again.  For me.  For Him.  And that I would definitely not publicize it.  If someone found it, they found it because He wanted them to.  

Since then, I have written two blog posts just this morning.  I’m going to post them up as they come to me.  I’m not going to care if they make sense together.  I’m not going to care if they come five at a time or none for a while.  I’m just going to take each scrap of paper and write about why it struck me and post it.  This is the way I’ll re-engage with my spiritual disciplines. 

Failing the Test

I’ve been in a few deep valleys in my life to date.  I’m sure I’ll find more.  The difference between this last place of darkness and despair and the others is that I truly knew in my heart where I could turn for help.  Unfortunately, I turned too late.  I went to the Word to find comfort.  I sought scriptures that would give me guidance on what to do and how to get my head out of this trap.  The bad decisions that took me down the wrong path had already been made.  Now, I was looking for the fix.   I was looking for comfort and encouragement and something that would tell me that it would be ok.  

In my search, I came upon 1 Corinthians 10:13.  

¹³ No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

This is where one of my deepest, darkest moments came.  

“I don’t know how you do it!”

“I don’t know how you do it!”

These should be the scariest words you ever hear from someone. 

It’s certainly not what I used to think.  But, that’s what I think now. 

I heard it myself…a lot!  I took pride in the fact that I could do a lot of things…more than the average person.  I could juggle a demanding, high profile job, a large family, a husband and a myriad of volunteer activities (of course from a leadership position) all while remaining friendly, happy and stylish. (I hoped!)  It worked well for quite a long time. 

And it fed me!  Ooohh, did it feed me.  My tenacious need to be affirmed and validated.  Appreciated and known.   Of course, I didn’t realize that was my motivating factor at the time, but I soon was forced to figure it out.  And figure it out, I did!  But at what price?  The price I paid and the one I hope you learn to avoid is that of my relationships with those closest to me, and most importantly…my sense of self and a feeling of my true identity in God.   

Who, me?

Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn’t.  I can’t blame you if you didn’t.  I certainly don’t blog often enough for the name of my blog to be branded to you.  With that being said, I recently changed the name of my blog.  It is now known as “The Journey to Genuine.”  Why, might you ask?  Because after all the procrastination of trying to figure out who my “person” would be to whom I would write, finding my “voice,” and all the other bullcrap reasons why I hesitated to write was because of this one thing…I was scared.  Scared that if I did, I’d have to be genuine or continue to writhe in guilt because I wasn’t.  

Of course, this didn’t come to me in a wonderfully simple moment with God’s voice booming from Heaven with a stone tablet suddenly appearing and inscribed with my diagnosis with further instructions.  No… it was much more complicated and much more painful than that.  God gave me the gift of discovering my authenticity through trial and error. By putting wise and loving people in my space that helped pick me off the ground and patiently showed me that it was okay to feel safe being me…for the very first time.  

That's Ms. Discipline to You

I want to write.  I have ideas that niggle at my brain all day.  They elbow each other out of the way for attention but then are skittish as kittens when other things like work, kids, husband, and job come barreling in the room.  The oughttas and shouldas intimidate the hell out of my inklings.  The real question is why do I allow this to happen? 

The answer came to me one day.  I wouldn’t say that it came to me as much as I would say that it hit me over the head like an enthusiastically swung two by four.  I lack discipline.

My Prayer Today

Father, it seems that it is easy for me to be so busy in the business of getting things done that I don’t stop often enough to fully appreciate those that do the work needed to bring Your message to the world; whether its making coffee, caring for my children, preparing the building, making copies, teaching classes, writing and communicating messages or walking out to find those in need in their dark places.